A couple of guys in
our small group in California would wander out to the sidewalk after the
meeting each week to smoke. They would just hang around in front of our
house and talk. The other guys in the group were a little jealous of
their fellowship and considered taking up the habit themselves.
Someone from another group heard about our smoking members. Then,
that person passed the news to a friend of theirs. The third person in
the chain approached me at church one day: “I heard that you’ve got
group members who smoke in front of your house every week. That must be
embarrassing for a pastor.”
I replied: “Yes, it’s terrible. I wish they wouldn’t smoke. But I’ve
heard some groups are full of gossips.” OK, I actually didn’t say that,
but I wish I had.
Gossip is a small group killer. There is nothing more fatal to a small group than gossip. It is the deadliest sin in group life.
The Bible teaches, “A gossip separates close friends” (
Prov. 16:28) and “a gossip betrays a confidence; so avoid anyone who talks too much” (
Prov. 20:19). The Apostle Paul includes gossip on the sin lists in
Romans 1 and
2 Corinthians 12
along with murder, envy, strife, jealousy, rage and deceit. Gossip is
serious business. So what do you do when it shows up in your group?
1. Be Proactive.
Even though your group is filled with wonderful people, the first
place to deal with gossip is on the first day of the group. As your
group talks about their group values, you should formulate a group
agreement. These are simply the things the entire group agrees to. This
can include when and where the group meets, the frequency of meetings,
childcare, etc.
A key value for your group is confidentiality. What is said in the
group needs to stay in the group. Period. Your group should be declared
“Las Vegas.” Nothing in the group—comment, prayer request, joke or
off-the-cuff remark—should be repeated outside of the group.
Sometimes, the rules get blurry. Let’s say a group member requests
prayer for a mutual friend—let’s call her Jane—who is not in the group.
Jane is having some tests for a serious health problem. One day, you
bump into Jane’s husband and tell him you are praying for Jane and her
health issues. The problem is Jane hasn’t said anything to her husband.
She was afraid the news would affect his heart condition, so she didn’t
want to worry him unnecessarily. (This is a fictitious story. I am not
telling tales out of school here.) Now, you get the picture.
Gossip, as benign as it might seem, is a missile that will sink the
whole ship. Who would ever share another prayer request or personal
issue in front of someone they feel they can’t trust? If the group lacks
trust, relationships are broken down. There is no more group.
Confidentiality is the foundation of group life. Creating a small
group agreement and reviewing it periodically will help to ensure trust
in the group.
2. Even Gossip in the Group About Others Is Dangerous.
Gossip shuts down trust. Even if the gossip is about someone outside
of the group, it certainly makes the group wonder what this person says
about them behind their backs. Gossip of any kind will diminish trust in
the group. If the group lacks trust, then the members will not open up.
The leader should redirect the gossiping member with, “Let’s keep our
discussion to those present in the group.” Then, take the member aside
and personally talk to them about gossiping and the harm it can bring to
a group.
What is gossip? Well, the rule of thumb is that if the person you are
talking to is not part of the problem or part of the solution, then
it’s gossip.
3. Act Quickly.
If something about your group is told outside of the group, deal with
it as soon as you are aware of an incident of gossip. Don’t interview
every member of the group. The offended person should go directly to the
offender. As Ross Perot once said: “If you see a snake, kill it. Don’t
appoint a committee on snakes.” As Jesus said, “If your brother or
sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you” (
Matt. 18:15). If the offended person isn’t willing, then you as the group leader must step in.
The first step is to pray and ask God for wisdom. Ask Him to prepare
the way and to work on the offender in advance. If you’re eager to
confront the offender, then you should probably pray some more. If
you’re reluctant to confront, then you’re probably in the right place.
Unless you heard the offender tell the gossip yourself, you must give
them the benefit of the doubt. Tell them what was said outside of the
group, and let them know the harm it caused. Hopefully, they will admit
their fault before you have to ask them directly. If they don’t own it,
then you have to ask: “Do you know who told this outside of the group?”
If they admit to the gossip, then they should be given an opportunity
to confess to the group. If they don’t admit it, then you must take the
next step and bring a person with you who either heard the gossip or is
somehow involved in the incident (
Matt. 18:16).
If the person did gossip, but won’t admit to it, more than likely, he
will stop coming to the group on his own. Most people are not so
callous as to offend the group, lie about it and then continue
participating in the group. But don’t be surprised.
4. Bring the Issue Before the Group.
If the person is repentant, then give him an opportunity to confess
to the group and seek their forgiveness. The best scenario is the group
will forgive, and everyone will be reconciled. This is ideal. But it may
take time for the group to trust the person again. Reconciliation isn’t
necessarily automatic with forgiveness. Over time, as the group bears
with one another, they will be able to trust each other again.
If the person won’t admit their fault, then the gossip must be
addressed in the group in the person’s presence. This shouldn’t be
presented in an accusatory way, but simply stated: “Someone in the group
broke the group’s confidentiality by saying _______ outside of the
group. What do you know about this? How did this affect the group?” The
offender might come to repentance in the meeting.
5. As a Last Resort …
If the group is certain about who committed the offense, then the
last resort is to ask the offender to leave the group. Jesus taught us,
“If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they
refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a
tax collector” (
Matt. 18:17). In this case the “church” is the group.
The question is how should believers treat “pagans and tax
collectors”? As with anyone who is not in relationship with God,
believers should love them, even if they’re an enemy (
Matt. 5:44) and challenge them with the need for repentance. When the person repents, then the process of reconciliation should begin.
Few other issues are as harmful as gossip in a small group. But if
the leader deals with the issue quickly, chances are the group will
remain strong. If the issue is not dealt with, it won’t go away. In
fact, it will become a greater problem.
Gossip is not just a bad habit; it is a prideful sin. The gossip is
pleased to divulge information that other people don’t have. It makes
them feel powerful. As a group leader, the issue becomes how to serve a
person who needs gossip to make them feel significant. What are they
lacking? What are they misunderstanding about their relationship with
Christ?
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