Hi all,
A
very old couple in old clothes that were fashionable decades
ago shuffled into a hamburger place one day and ordered 1 hamburger, 1
order of fries, and 1 cola. A man nearby thought they were cute, but he
was alarmed they only ordered 1 meal. Cautiously he approached and in a
low voice discreetly offered to pay for another hamburger, fry, and
cola. The wife responded sweetly, "That's okay, we share everything."
Seated
now at their table, the old man carefully divided the hamburger in half
and put half in front of his wife. Then he counted out half the fries
and set them in front of his wife, and set the cola in the middle of the
table. He then began to eat his half of the hamburger, while she just
watched him eat.
Again
expressing concern, the man approached and offered to buy another
hamburger, fry, and cola, but again the wife responded, "That's okay, we
share everything." "But why aren't you eating?" he asked, only to hear
her reply, "I'm waiting for the teeth."
Sharing, sharing
That
may take the idea of sharing to an extreme, but an emotionally healthy
person can share with others - whether that be credit for a job well
done, or blame for their part of mistakes. Unhealthy people refuse to
admit their share of the blame and instead shift blame to others,
unwilling to take responsibility.
The
abuser demonstrates their immaturity in many ways, from explosions of
anger to retreating within themselves. Their outburst of wrath is
disproportionate to the situation, or retreat into their grumpy silent
self, ruining a whole event, but they don't care because they are angry
at x person or x company or x situation - they would rather ruin the
event than grow up and be pleasant to be around.
Last
week I shared a core trait, blame shifting, and included other
elements; Narcissism and how the narcissist can make you feel like you
are the one with the problem, make you feel bad about yourself, doesn't
praise or support you, and rarely if ever expresses concern for your
well being.
Remember this: Conviction brings us to God and is all about Him. Condemnation pushes us away from God and is all about us. Don't allow the abuser to make you feel condemnation. Reject their condemnation.
Core principle #1 today: The one loving them knows the good part of their heart, so stays
The
abuser isn't an abuser all the time. There are times the sweet and
genuine part of them functions, and that is the part the victim of the
abuse sees and loves, whether it be spouse, friend, sibling, or
co-workers.
In
a church it may be that they love the worship even though the pastor is
a controlling man who says from the pulpit things like x person who
left has demons, or they are now opening themselves to demonic attack
because they left their church - control issues like that. But enough
people love the teaching or love the worship or they have a good
children's church that they stick around in spite of the spiritual
abuse.
At
work a boss or co-worker doesn't want to fire the person because they
know their family is on the edge financially, so they end up covering
for them at work, which makes them feel good/boosts their ego that they
are 'helping'. The church goer above derives a benefit from the abusive
pastor or church culture. In a marriage the benefit may be financial or
they have a roof over their head, so they stay in the relationship.
A co-dependent relationship...
...is one in which one person supports or enables
another person's poor or dangerous behavior, whether that be simple
immaturity and laziness, or an addiction, irresponsibility, or explosive
anger, while deriving some sense of good or pleasure within
themselves for offering that support.
It
is marked by one person's need to rely on others for their identity
and/or approval as a person while the other half is the emotional or
physical need of the one who loves to help, nurture, and care for them.
Thus the relationship is dysfunctional in a swirl of love/hate and
peace/war between them, yet each deriving a benefit, twisted as it may
be.
The
one person sees the potential and keeps hoping that 'this time' the
other one will come to their senses, while the object of their love -
the abuser, the self-centered blamer - isn't dealing with their internal
issues so can only rise so far before they undermine that situation, job, or relationship, and fail.
The Christian wonders how far do I walk in love, and at what point does love turn into enabling?
From
the Prodigal Son who had to 'come to himself' at his lowest point, to
Galatians 6:1-6 and much more, scripture tells us to walk in love and
come to another's aid to the extent they are also willing to do their part
to grow and change. If not, they must be allowed to experience the
consequences of their actions, like the Prodigal Son who demanded his
money and the father sadly let him go his way until he 'came to
himself'.
If
they are unwilling to change and the Christian continually finds
themselves enabling sin, that is when to draw back and allow them
to experience the consequences of their actions. In Galatians 6:1-2 Paul
says to go to a person 'overtaken in a fault', in Greek, they've
committed a trespass against another person, and point that out to them
in meekness. As in Matthew 18:15, if they receive you, you've regained your friend.
If
they don't receive your efforts the next verses say: "(But) if a man
thinks that he is something when he is nothing, he is self-deceived.
Each one should test his own actions, then he can have personal
satisfaction." Paul goes on to say, "Don't be deceived, God isn't
mocked, what a person sows is what they will reap."
The
Bible teaches a trespass has 2 elements*: The guilt before God (the
vertical), and the injury caused to another (the horizontal). We are to
forgive a person, keeping our heart right 'vertically' to God, but there
are times forgiveness also allows a person to experience the
consequences of the injuries they've brought upon themselves and others
if they refuse to admit their guilt. They are forgiven in our heart, but
must walk out the consequences unless and until they are ready to heal
the injuries they've caused. *Leviticus 6:1-7
We
see this in scripture with King Saul and his hatred for David, who did
him no wrong, and indeed was only a helper and blessing to him.
The root of King Saul's issues can be traced to a poor self image. Samuel observed in I Samuel 15:17;
"When you were little in your own sight weren't you made king over
Israel?" We are told in I Samuel 9:1-3 that Saul came from a very
wealthy family and that he was head and shoulders taller than anyone
else in the whole nation, and he was very handsome - yet he was 'little
in his own sight'.
So
much so, that when the time came to anoint him as King, he hid himself
among the caravans and animals, requiring a word of knowledge from the
Lord to Samuel to reveal where he was hiding: "He has hidden himself
among the supplies." (10:22)
But
at the same time God was his biggest supporter, and kept pouring out
His grace and Spirit upon him so that he prophesied to the extent Samuel
prophesies in 10:6 "The Spirit of the Lord will come powerfully upon
you, and you will prophesy to them, and you'll be changed into another
person."
And
that is what happened - but here is core point #2 today: Like King
Saul, the abuser has had experiences with God, but they don't change
him. To say it another way, the abuser doesn't let God change them.
I'll pick it up there next week for I've run out of room for today, more next week...until then, blessings,
John Fenn
www.cwowi.org and email me at cwowi@aol.com
New CD/MP3 Series
This
series links the life of David with Psalms he wrote during three
periods in his life: Before being king, during his reign, and in exile.
Part 1 looks at the Psalms he wrote before becoming king, studying each
event that led him to pour out his emotions in the Psalm related to an
event or challenge, with the result being the listener will know David
much better, and be better able to walk through the pressures in their
life. You will be able to related to David's raw emotions and spiritual
struggles and how he found peace and safety in the Lord in the midst of
stressful and often life-threatening situations. A fascinating series
that will give greater understanding to the Old Testament and Psalms and
their place in history.
When
a child is born with an infirmity or condition, or develops one, or we
unexpectedly must provide long term care for a loved one, an
unanswerable question of faith arises from within: How can a loving God
let this happen? Our faith is shaken to the core and we hear teachings
on healing and the loving Father but we are dealing with long term, life
changing challenges that don't make sense. This series deals with those
questions from John & Barb's personal experience with their
physically and mentally handicapped oldest son. Having walked through it
from babyhood to adulthood with him, and having walk theologically
through all the standard answers, including having their faith largely
destroyed and rebuilt in the process, this will offer help and answers
to those struggling with these issues, or for those who know someone
struggling with these issues. You'll regain peace, have some answers,
and be able to put to trust the Father once again.
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