Hi all,
A
man received a talking parrot as a gift, but the parrot had a horrible
attitude and worse, horrible language. The man tried repeatedly to get
the parrot to change his verbally abusive ways, but nothing helped. One
day the parrot was particularly abusive and in anger and frustration the
man threw the parrot into the freezer, whereupon there came an
immediate shriek with pleadings and apologies.
When
he opened the door the parrot stepped gently onto his outstretch arm
and politely said, "I apologize for my behavior. I have offended you and
hurt you and I promise to change my ways, please accept my most sincere
and humble apology." Astounded, but before the man could ask what
caused the sudden change in his behavior, the parrot continued, "And if I
may ask kind sir, what did the chicken do?"
They don't let the Spirit of the Lord change them.
This
humorous example shows the lower part of human (parrot) behavior, in
that we often don't let things we've experienced change us for the long
term until and unless, maybe, something dramatic happens. We may marvel
in a singular moment, but letting 'the moment' sink in and actually
change us for the long term requires honest introspection.
Additionally,
abusers focus on telling others what's wrong with them in part to keep
the attention off of them so they don't have to change or adjust or
adapt...by outbursts of anger designed to make a person back away so
they won't stand up to them, or they shrink into themselves in silent
contempt as a defensive mechanism to distance themselves from the other
person or a situation. The abuser is often angry at life.
How the abuser stops being an abuser: Revelation followed by hard work
For
the abuser, they must first have the revelation they are an abuser in
complete unvarnished honesty with themselves, and then couple that
with a desire to change that is greater than the desire to maintain life
as is.
This
is a process leading up to that moment of clarity and transparency, and
a process after the revelation. Many times people will pray that God
will touch them and make it all go away, but the Word says and real life
demonstrates, most of the time He walks with them out of dysfunction
and abuse and into functioning normally and healing relationships over
time. They must deal with their issues, learn how to control themselves
and be honest enough to deal with the most private parts of their heart -
something they've not done their whole lives. It is new territory for
them, and it means humbling themselves, for in the final analysis, the
issue is pride that prevents them from changing. (Often coupled with
fear)
For
the abused person, they must call it what it is; abuse. They must also
be honest about what in them caused them to enter into an abusive
relationship, or if the abuse revealed itself later, what in them is
causing them to stay - is it their faith? Their sense of failure? Their
fear of what will happen to the abuser if they leave? What in the abused
is keeping them in the relationship. Unvarnished honesty with
themselves is step 1 to getting out the abuse.
Jesus
said divorce is given due to the hardness of hearts* in a reference
to the Jewish law of divorce** which cites an hypothetical example of a
woman married and divorced several times because each time her husband
ends up 'hating' her, and each time she is clean before the Lord and
free to remarry. (I have a cd/MP3 series on the subject if interested)
I knew
a couple with 5 children and the husband regularly beat the wife to the
point she was covered in bruises from face to waist, and it was getting
more violent. He wouldn't listen to me nor get help, and she refused to
leave. He broke their covenant and his vows before God with his hard
heart demonstrated by violence against her - and before God and man she
most certainly had grounds for divorce. But she refused to even separate
for a time. When last I saw them, their 2 barely teenage sons started
abusing their girl friends...so sad. *Matthew 19:8; **Deuteronomy 24:1-4
Here are some very practical indicators you are in an abusive relationship:
They
gradually cut you off from others - family, friends - closing the
circle. They track your whereabouts or always want to know what you are
doing, wanting you just for themselves. They 'forgive' you (as it is
always your fault) with no sense they need to apologize/repent, they
make threats that could range from their own suicide if you leave to
threatening your life to taking away your money to ruining you or your
reputation in the eyes of your family and friends and/or work.
Do
you see that some of these traits are also found in abusive church
cultures? They demand you go only to their church. They use guilt but
you know you are in good standing if you give or volunteer or attend.
They use heaven or hell to manipulate and threaten you. You are the one
with the issue, leadership is coated with a non-stick coating so that
nothing sticks to them. They are the masters of spin, able to turn
around any situation to blame someone else - just like an abusive
spouse. Run don't walk to the nearest exit!
But I love them - love the church teaching, love my spouse, love my work
I
want to insert here a fact that always has to be in the background in
our minds; We will each stand individually before the Lord Jesus to give
account of our lives, and at that time there will be no ability to say
'the devil made me do it', or 'my wife made me this way', or 'if dad
hadn't died when I was 12 I would have been different', nor even 'I was
abused at church' nor 'I experienced spiritual abuse at several
churches'.
Successful
people in Christ realize 'judgment day' is here and now, at every
decision point, because the Spirit of Truth lives within us presenting
us with the right decision at each circumstance along life's journey -
Those maturing in Christ make the right but often more difficult
decision because they want to be right before Him here and now more than
they want to be proven right in front of someone else in the here and
now.
You
can't stand with the abuser on Judgment Day holding their hand
explaining to the Lord why he hit you - they will stand alone and
explain their actions without wiggle room, without the ability to blame
you, or their dad or what happened when they were 9 years old. Judgment
day for the maturing is every day, as those maturing are eager to judge
themselves and eager to have the Lord expose anything in their heart or
life that isn't right so that it may be corrected.
There
comes a point where the abused have to let the abuser go, and stand on
their own two feet. Often that point comes when the need for
self-preservation rises to a level equal to the realization if they
continue in the relationship they will be enabling the abuse, or
endangering themselves.
I
remember praying for a heroin addict - barely out of teen years, in and
out of the addiction - and the prophecy the Lord gave me was that He
was with them, but walking out of it would be the hardest thing they had
ever done, but that He would be there walking with them as they made
right decisions. There would be no heavenly 'zap' and you're all better,
just that He would be there with them at every decision.
King Saul became abusive to 1 man - David
The
abuser often is only abusive to 1 person, and good at keeping that fact
secret, whether it be explosive anger or verbal abuse or abuse by
neglect, like retreating into self and refusing to talk to their spouse
once home. That same person may go to church, may experience the
presence of the Lord in worship or learn something from the Word...but
remains an abuser once behind closed doors. Like King Saul, they never
let the Spirit of God change them for long.
The
previous series was about the emotionally ill Christians, and this
series has followed in that line of thought, but these can only help
insofar as they point out the emotionally ill and abusive traits. For
practical help on escaping an abusive relationship or a relationship
with an emotionally ill believer, in many cases more in depth
professional help will be needed. These series shine the light on the
Word and human behavior, but to escape, someone may need to come
alongside to help...another subject next week, until then, blessings,
John Fenn
www.cwowi.org and email me at cwowi@aol.com
New CD/MP3 Series
This
series goes into details of Paul's instructions to Timothy concerning
Christians who Paul calls 'emotionally sick' or 'mentally ill', and how
he should handle such people. Paul tells of Christians who reject
healthy spiritual teaching in favor of arguments over words and word
meanings and off-balance teaching, who focus so much on 1 topic or 1
issue within them that logic, friends, teaching, and encouragement to
return to balance elude them. Paul outlines many characteristics of the
emotionally ill believer, describing them as having a morbid fascination
with something that becomes a mental disease to them - and outlines how
to help them and how to pray for them. For anyone who knows that
certain person in their life who is emotionally and spiritually
unhealthy, the listener will gain understanding and insight with a view
towards restoration for that person.
In David
the King we look at the Psalms he wrote after King Saul died, but
before David's son Absalom rebelled against him and sent him into exile.
The Psalms take on a different tone than in part 1 of the series, and
include prophecy about Jesus, because during this peaceful time in his
life he is able to focus on worship and the goodness of the Lord. We
look at his Psalm that was shouted at Jesus on Palm Sunday, and the
Hallel, which Jesus and the disciples sung on the night He was betrayed,
and its prophecy. The series also looks at the Psalm David wrote when
he was confronted about his affair with Bathsheba. David the King gives
wonderful insight into the tenderness of the heart of David, his heart
for his son, Solomon, and so much more!
Tidak ada komentar:
Posting Komentar