Hi all,
When I was in my senior year of high school, my mom very strongly
and continually urged me to break up with Barb because I'd soon be going
off to college and meet hundreds of girls during my college years.
"There are many fish in the sea; how do you know SHE is THE one for
you?"
I broke her heart
That sounded wise, so I broke Barb's heart and told her we needed
to end it. I knew I was inflicting deep pain as we'd said 'I love you'
and meant it, but mom wouldn't let go of her advice...I was 17.
Over the next 24 hours I thought it through and even prayed a bit,
but heaven was silent. The Father nor the Lord were saying anything,
which was frustrating, but I knew it was my decision to make, not His. I
knew it was my choice and would either suffer the consequences or reap
the benefits of choosing the right mate.
Weighing it out
On the one hand was mom's 'more fish in the sea' argument. On the
other hand I knew Barb very well - all she had been through as a child,
all her dreams and aspirations, and that she would be a devoted and
faithful wife and mother. She knew me as well, all I'd been through and
that I would be a devoted, hard working and faithful husband and father.
We knew we could build a life together.
To start over I realized I'd have to find a girl who loved the
Father God as I did, which narrowed the field considerably. Then I
thought of working through the soul issues - what we wanted in life,
what we liked and didn't like. Barb and I clicked in that we both loved
God, love nature, how we saw future family life, and we were opposites
in several areas which had helped grow us as people and in the Lord - we
had learned how to argue, how to yell at each other and then let it go,
and knew our strengths and weaknesses.
I suddenly realized I'd be comparing every other girl I'd ever meet
to Barb, and realized all I wanted was right there in her. I realized
no matter who I met in the future, she might be Barb's equal in terms of
the heart, but she would never be better than her. With that I drove to
Barb's house, apologized, we both cried, reaffirmed our love for each
other, and have been together ever since.
Marriage - The Lord doesn't run a dating service
I continue to share how the Lord delegated to us that we determine
some things, and the subject today is how we will 'be fruitful and
multiply'. Some cultures have arranged marriages, set up by the parents
almost from birth. Some require a couple to gain approval from village
elders. In the book of Ruth, she proposes to Boaz by putting his skirt
over her*, which is what the groom does to the bride in the Jewish
wedding ceremony, indicating she is now under his covering. Ruth (and
Naomi) were bold women! *(Ruth 3:4-11)
(I can't help but share a little trivia in case you're unaware. Why
was Boaz willing to take a Moabite wife? It was because Boaz's mother
was a Moabite - and you'll recognize her name: Rahab, the former harlot
from Jericho who helped the spies. Matthew 1:5 says she settled in
Israel (taking their God as her own as Ruth did), and she married
Salmon. They had a son, Boaz, who married Ruth. The story is also
important because Ruth 3:21-22/Matthew 1:5 tells us Ruth/Boaz had Obed,
who had a son named Jesse, who had a son named David. That makes Ruth
David's grandma, and Rahab was David's great-grandmother.)
Is there 'the one' I've had many Bible school
students, teenagers in youth groups, and people online ask me if I
thought God had just 1 person He wants them to marry, and if they miss
that one chance are they doomed to never marry or out of His will if
they marry someone else? I tell them no, finding a mate is our job, not
God's. And at one season of life you might fall in love with one person,
but at another season of life it would be another person.
Can He help? Yes. Can He provide wisdom and insight about that
other person and about ourselves to help us make wise decisions? Yes. If
you involve Him in the decision making might He even bear witness in
your spirit or otherwise indicate to you who a right person might be for
you? Yes.
Your spirit can be attracted to someone Back when
Barb and I were teenagers I had a friend in our 'prayer & praise'
group come to me about a girl in our group he was attracted to. He said
while she was pretty, deeper down inside him he felt an attraction to
her. That same day and unknown to me, Barb had that same girl come to
her about that exact guy. She said he was nice looking and all, but it
was down inside that she felt drawn to him.
Separately we told each it was their spirit, and their spirit was
recognizing something in that person they were attracted to, and advised
each to follow through and get to know one another and see what
happens. They did and they are still married to this day!
Your spirit bears witness with or is attracted to...
What happens in those cases is that a person's spirit likes or is
attracted to another person's spirit because of a similar personality,
call in life, or gifts of the heart. It is the same thing that happened
one day when a Bible school student came to my office in tears, asking
why she got so emotional listening to the missionary speak in chapel
that day. I asked what she was called to and she replied 'missions'. I
told her that her spirit recognized the call and Spirit on the
missionary, and bore witness, and that is why she was so overcome - they
had the same call.
But being attracted to or even loving a person's spirit doesn't
mean you are to be married. It might happen if all other things are
right - but many affairs and broken hearts have happened because one
person recognizes an attraction in their spirit to another person's
spirit and mistakes that for God. All that happened is their spirit is
attracted to another person's spirit.
What happens is a person will love another's spirit, and often
their potential they see in their spirit, and compromise in the soul,
body, and natural life areas, thinking God will make it all better. And
I've seen situations where single or married men/women become attracted
to a another married man/woman in their spirit, then rationalize they
got married for the wrong reason (lust is the most commonly blamed
reason) so they have an affair which destroys at least 1 and maybe 2
marriages - all because they didn't know their spirit could bear witness
with another's spirit but that wasn't God's will to commit adultery.
Your spirit will bear witness with a person of
similar personality, call, gifts, or on the same spiritual page, but
that doesn't mean God is saying they are your mate. Love the person's
spirit, but keep the relationships within the boundaries the Lord
intends mature people of character in Him to do.
"I think attraction is too often mistaken for rightness." From the movie Runaway Bride
Within the framework of all that is ethical, moral, legal and
right, God can lead a man and woman into a relationship if they are
attracted in their spirit to one another, but issues of the soul, body,
and natural life like job and family are involved. Often with people in
their 30's or later, they want a potential mate to fit into their
carefully constructed life as well as fitting all the qualifications of a
20 point 'spouse' list.
But finding a mate means a person must be willing to lay down their
life for that of another, which may mean the life you now have is going
to be totally rearranged if not de-constructed only to be re-made with
elements from their life. But because that is unknown many would rather
continue in career or ministry as they are, rather than risk what they
see as tearing down what they've worked so hard to build.
I had a couple come to my office for pre-marital counseling
sessions, and at one appointment they were barely speaking to each
other. As they sat in separate chairs with arms crossed exchanging cold
glances at each other, the issue came out. Was it infidelity? Was it
secret sin? Was it lying about how money was spent? No, it was about the
right way to load the dishwasher. Would they end it over a dishwasher?
I'm out of room - next week the dishwasher story, and about money
as we continue talking about His will, our will, does He care?
Blessings,
John Fenn
www.cwowi.org and email me at cwowi@aol.com
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