Hi all,
We
have a ceiling fan in the middle of our bedroom with 2 pull chains
hanging down to switch the fan and light on and off if we don't want to
use the wall switch. The 2 chains end with large weights that make it
easy to grab the thin chains. Unfortunately they hang down just off the
end of the bed, and one morning as I awoke in the pre-dawn darkness to
go to the living room for prayer I walked right into those weights,
with an impact in the middle of my forehead like being branded with the
666 mark of the beast. It hurt!
I
staggered away from the fan but quickly regained momentum and with the
first step stubbed my left little toe on the sharp corner of an old DVD
player we had sat on the floor a few nights before to be donated
later to a thrift store. But like a TV commercial trying to sell me a
gadget, 'But wait, there's more!'.
I
looked out the kitchen window to see in the pre-dawn light the empty
bird feeder and 20 or so birds gathered around that I'm sure were
talking among themselves about where breakfast was. Brow-beaten and made
to feel guilty by a flock of sparrows staring me down, I put on shorts
and went to the truck for the 20 lb (9 kilo) sack of bird seed I'd
bought the day before.
As
I tossed it over my shoulder I walked too closely around the end of the
truck where my shin found the trailer hitch with such force there was
immediate blood and a yelp out my mouth, followed by a slap on the shin
with exclamation, "Healed in name of Jesus!".
I
filled the feeder yet heard no chirps or tweets of 'Thanks John!' from
the flock, and walked back into the house, muttering to myself that now I
had shed blood for those stupid birds, which made me think how Jesus
said in Matthew 6:26 the Father feeds the
birds, which meant in my grumpy thinking that morning, that my sacrifice
of blood was really the Father's doing, AND THAT prompted me to think
to the Father:
"You're
supposed to be ordering my steps! Well, you've sure done a bang up job
of it this morning!" Just as the horror of what I thought hit me and as
the apology formed in my head, He spoke back in gentle rebuke: "You knew
where each item was, yet you walked right into each of them. That's not
my doing!"
The start of abuse
Over
the course of this series I'll list core characteristics of an abuser
and/or being in an abusive relationship covering friends, siblings,
church, marriage, and work, and within those core traits I'll
list dozens more which feed off and flow from those core traits.
The first core trait is: The transfer of blame to another person.
BUT...Just
because a person shifts blame away from themselves doesn't make them an
abuser, for we've all squirmed in our seats when confronted by someone
with our guilt, just as I tried to blame the Father for letting me walk
into the dangling weights, stub my toe, and walk into the trailer hitch.
That's just human nature to look for blame elsewhere.
But a lifestyle
of never taking responsibility when it is clearly one's
own fault, while blaming others, of ALWAYS saying things like 'You
ruined it for me because...' or 'someone in the company is doing it to
me...' or even 'It was just a misunderstanding', reveals an off-balanced
view of self, of others, and of life.
Gee, thanks Adam!
The
seeds for abuse were sown early in the human race, with Adam putting
the blame on Eve and God but leaving himself out of the equation in
Genesis 3:12: "The woman which you gave me, she gave me of the tree, and
I ate." Right Adam - It was God's fault because He made the woman, who
ate the fruit, who gave to you - if it wasn't for Him doing that you
wouldn't have eaten of the fruit, so it was God's fault, and her fault.
I'm
not suggesting Adam was an abuser of Eve, I'm saying the principle of
transferring blame to another person is fallen human nature, and if it
becomes a lifestyle it is abuse, and once it is a lifestyle other traits of abuse will team with that core trait.
Teaming with blame shifting - narcissism
Once
a person shifts blame to someone else, and therefore gets the attention
off their own responsibility, they often work to turn the focus
of emotions back on them and how they 'feel' because of x person's guilt
while making x person feel bad. This behavior kills the moment, and if a
pattern, kills a relationship.
In Greek mythology Narcissus was known for his beauty, yet showed arrogant contempt for those who loved him.
One day Narcissus was walking in the woods and Echo saw him and fell in
love with him. He realized he was being followed and called out
repeatedly 'Who's there?', only to have Echo repeat back to him each
time, 'Who's there?'
Eventually she revealed herself but he rejected her love, and she was so broken by the rejection she spent the rest of her days calling out until nothing but an echo of her presence remained.
The god of revenge, Nemesis, heard what Narcissus had done, and lured
him to a pool of water where he saw his own reflection and fell in love with himself. Realizing he could never return his own love adequately, he committed suicide.
Notice
what I've underlined, for the blame shifting person and the one who
loves them follow this same pattern. Of Echo, notice how she revealed
her heart to Narcissus, bared her soul. Notice she was rejected and
withered away of a broken heart until nothing but a whisper of her
presence remained.
Of
him, notice how he rejected her love, was arrogant, showed contempt,
was in love with himself, and eventually self-destructed.
The
person being abused, the one always being blamed, is heartbroken
because the one they love continually rejects their love. Eventually
whether it be in a marriage, a sibling, a friend, a church goer in the
pew of an abusive church culture, or an employee in a similar abusive
culture at work, they become a mere shell of their former selves -
often not knowing any longer who they are, empty, void of life due to
being rejected, blamed, and hurt - yet the abuser sees none of that.
Everything is about them, but they don't realize they are committing
suicide in their relationship, in their work, in their church - in their
emotions.
Putting the two together: Blame shifting and making it about them
In
a marriage, if something goes wrong at work, the abuser will find a way
to blame the spouse - maybe they didn't sleep well because of their
spouse's snoring, which made them tired at work, which meant at the
presentation they couldn't think fast enough on their feet, which meant
their presentation was rejected - so when they walk through the door
that evening it is the spouse's fault. They are the victim and one hurt.
At
work, they are the one wronged because the Assistant put together a
sloppy report, refusing to admit they had the responsibility for the
final proof reading.
An
abusive church culture accuses the person who brings up legitimate
issues as the one with the problem, rather than deal with the issue
within the church, the staff member, or the policy in question.
With
a sibling or friend you are in the wrong because you don't understand
how hard it has been for them - as a means of shifting attention away
from their actions which contributed to the issue.
The
abusive person lives by transferring responsibility to another
person, and twisting the confrontation to be about them. If you bring up
a legitimate concern or need, rather than acknowledge it, they put the
blame on you saying you are the one with the problem, you are the one
with the issue, you are the cause. They are committing suicide of the
relationship, but can't bring themselves to admit wrong, examine
themselves, nor change.
Their
teaming of blame shifting with narcissism can make you think you are
the crazy one, that you are the one with the problem. They make you feel
bad about yourself, don't praise or support you, let alone offer a
true spontaneous compliment, and rarely if ever express concern for your
well-being.
King
Saul was just such a person, but I've run out of room. I'll have more
core traits and other examples next week, and as the series progresses
suggestions for dealing with an abusive or narcissistic person.
Until then, blessings,
John Fenn
www.cwowi.org and email me at cwowi@aol.com
New CD/MP3 Series
This
series links the life of David with Psalms he wrote during three
periods in his life: Before being king, during his reign, and in exile.
Part 1 looks at the Psalms he wrote before becoming king, studying each
event that led him to pour out his emotions in the Psalm related to an
event or challenge, with the result being the listener will know David
much better, and be better able to walk through the pressures in their
life. You will be able to related to David's raw emotions and spiritual
struggles and how he found peace and safety in the Lord in the midst of
stressful and often life-threatening situations. A fascinating series
that will give greater understanding to the Old Testament and Psalms and
their place in history.
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